to you who broke my heart
dedicated to four guys I have known
the way I am
I can’t forget
years to forgive
measuring myself by
you
I may cry
fake a smile
don’t think less of me
for that
the way you seem
you stick around
insensitive jerk
looking right through
me
you don’t care
on to the next
don’t try to prove me
wrong
I hope
you stop and think
about life
your own heart breaks
(someday)
you hate yourself
(sometimes)
you remember
a feeling
I wish
you missed me
(sometimes I miss you)
the way I’ll be
I’ll only remember the good
you were just
a phase
I’ll believe in myself
you weren’t what
I needed
I’ll be content
because I
am loved
the way you’ll be
forgive
an old friend
forgotten
a story to tell
to you who broke my heart
you who likened me to a sister
you who lied and didn’t try
you who thought me worth less than video games
you who wore a suit with a nametag
laughter and smiles
a shoulder to lean on
Taco King and movies
a kiss in the snow
one day
I’ll be loved
I never needed
you
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Sunday, January 06, 2008
lists for Anchorage too
PTAMPE:
I LOVE driving late at night, at least when I'm awake.
I got to hang out with Julia lots! <3
I'm flirting with random guys on myspace.
My mom's cooking is AWESOME. No more cafeteria food for me! ...At least for a few more weeks.
My room in my parents' house doesn't feel like a shoebox.
I can burn candles all I want. And sit there and stare. All by myself.
I finally got to watch Season 3 of Stargate Atlantis.
NTAMVPE:
He went on a date two weeks after I left.
I LOVE driving late at night, at least when I'm awake.
I got to hang out with Julia lots! <3
I'm flirting with random guys on myspace.
My mom's cooking is AWESOME. No more cafeteria food for me! ...At least for a few more weeks.
My room in my parents' house doesn't feel like a shoebox.
I can burn candles all I want. And sit there and stare. All by myself.
I finally got to watch Season 3 of Stargate Atlantis.
NTAMVPE:
He went on a date two weeks after I left.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
closure on 2007, hello 2008!
When I found out that there were going to be fireworks at UAF tonight, I was really jealous of the people who were up there to enjoy it. I didn't think I'd get to see fireworks in Anchorage. We always here them but I rarely end up seeing them from wherever I happen to be. But tonight I saw them. I was driving from my parents' home to the house I am housesitting and saw them in my rearview mirror as I was merging onto Minnesota and then I watched them in my mirror as I waited at the stoplight for my green arrow.
Last year I made a list of firsts for the year. I've been trying to think of all my first for 2007 and the list just continues to grow and grow.
Graduation.
Valedictorian.
License.
Truck.
Fairbanks.
College.
New people.
It's been a crazy rollercoaster and right now January of 2007 feels like it happened 3 years ago rather than 12 months ago. My thoughts seem to be consumed by the events of the past 4 months. I've never thought of anywhere but my parents' home in Anchorage as my home until now. Now, home for me is Fairbanks. I'm content there. I'm surviving. Moving up there at first was very scary but definitely worth it. Just as intimidating for me were the college classes. But I've come to start to like some and at least develop a small amount of respect for others. And I've met new people. One has already touched my life in a profound way and I know that more will influence me in the future. I hope that they are as happy to have met me as I am to have met them.
I feel like I've grown this year, with a serious growth spurt in the past month and a half. I learned that life can really surprise you. I had thought it couldn't anymore. I tend to imagine things and cover all the angles and possibilities that I perceive in my head so I see everything coming. But the universe proved me wrong one night in October and then several more times in the weeks after.
I know that this is one of many rather vague reflection-type posts being made tonight, but it's a way for me to put the year aside. I'm reluctant to see 2007 go. I'd been waiting for it since I was told in kindergarten that we were the class of 2007. And now it's over. But it was worth the wait.
So, I brought in 2008 staring at the clock on my computer, made a toast with root beer, and laughed at the dogs barking at the fireworks. I feel like the walking dead, I'm so tired. And it's strange. I find myself wishing I was in Fairbanks tonight. Why? For the fireworks? Like here, there's no one there to kiss me at midnight. So why do I care? I don't know...it might be part of my growing. Letting go of depending so much on my family and wanting to live my own life maybe. It's one of those feelings that I'm not sure I can completely describe.
My new semester's resolutions:
Get involved again with UCM and be more involved this time.
Make more friends.
Make more Christian friends.
Don't do homework right before the class starts.
Go to church.
Don't forget to sleep.
Just keep smiling.
My new year's resolutions:
Start singing again.
Remember how to love and trust God.
Be worth enough to someone to be a priority.
Think happy thoughts.
And keep smiling. :D
Last year I made a list of firsts for the year. I've been trying to think of all my first for 2007 and the list just continues to grow and grow.
Graduation.
Valedictorian.
License.
Truck.
Fairbanks.
College.
New people.
It's been a crazy rollercoaster and right now January of 2007 feels like it happened 3 years ago rather than 12 months ago. My thoughts seem to be consumed by the events of the past 4 months. I've never thought of anywhere but my parents' home in Anchorage as my home until now. Now, home for me is Fairbanks. I'm content there. I'm surviving. Moving up there at first was very scary but definitely worth it. Just as intimidating for me were the college classes. But I've come to start to like some and at least develop a small amount of respect for others. And I've met new people. One has already touched my life in a profound way and I know that more will influence me in the future. I hope that they are as happy to have met me as I am to have met them.
I feel like I've grown this year, with a serious growth spurt in the past month and a half. I learned that life can really surprise you. I had thought it couldn't anymore. I tend to imagine things and cover all the angles and possibilities that I perceive in my head so I see everything coming. But the universe proved me wrong one night in October and then several more times in the weeks after.
I know that this is one of many rather vague reflection-type posts being made tonight, but it's a way for me to put the year aside. I'm reluctant to see 2007 go. I'd been waiting for it since I was told in kindergarten that we were the class of 2007. And now it's over. But it was worth the wait.
So, I brought in 2008 staring at the clock on my computer, made a toast with root beer, and laughed at the dogs barking at the fireworks. I feel like the walking dead, I'm so tired. And it's strange. I find myself wishing I was in Fairbanks tonight. Why? For the fireworks? Like here, there's no one there to kiss me at midnight. So why do I care? I don't know...it might be part of my growing. Letting go of depending so much on my family and wanting to live my own life maybe. It's one of those feelings that I'm not sure I can completely describe.
My new semester's resolutions:
Get involved again with UCM and be more involved this time.
Make more friends.
Make more Christian friends.
Don't do homework right before the class starts.
Go to church.
Don't forget to sleep.
Just keep smiling.
My new year's resolutions:
Start singing again.
Remember how to love and trust God.
Be worth enough to someone to be a priority.
Think happy thoughts.
And keep smiling. :D
Monday, December 17, 2007
I need a hug
Yesterday, Ben, Cheryl Anne, and I had planned to go to Chena Hot Springs to, as Ben put it, "chillax" before finals and because we had decided that we had to go before Cheryl Anne left. Things didn't go quite as planned and it ended up just being Ben and me. Instead of going to the hot springs, we went to Taco King and then to see the "Golden Compass." December 16th is officially on my list of the top ten most awesome days of this semester. It was surprisingly nice to talk to someone who has known me longer than three months. Though we talked about stuff that was kinda bothering us, like lack of friends, finals, and it not feeling like Christmas, it was still okay. Those things really didn't bother me during the time we were hanging out. I just felt detached from my life. And that was a WONDERFUL feeling.
Today was the first day of finals and I just took my first one this morning. And I was really nervous, which surprised me. I mean, it's calculus, my best subject. I felt like I had studied for FOREVER. I think I did alright on the final. Not fantastic, but alright. The problems I had were not with the calculus but with the algebra. Nothing has changed since AP Calc. Both my professor now and Mr. Bailey have said that that's actually where most people go wrong, is on the algebra. It's crazy when you're trying to take the integral of the square root of one plus the derivative squared and you're not really sure that you can make a substition that going to help. I just set up the problems correctly, trying 15 different ways of doing the integration, give up, and turn the stupid thing in. But it's okay.
If not for the fact that I chugged a Monster during the calc final, I would go back to bed right now. I'm tired of being conscious. I realized something yesterday, thanks to Ben, and it hit me last night at about midnight, and now I really don't wasnt to think about it. I think I'll turn on my Christmas lights and turn off everything else and curl up in bed with Juju's letter and "Paradise Kiss." I can study for my next set of finals later.
It's odd. I'm trying to analyze how I feel. It always seems to help when you can pin one emotion on yourself. Then you can attempt to remedy that one thing. But what do you do when you're not even sure how you're feeling. The only way I know how to describe it is: "I need a hug." As wonderful as yesterday was, it feels like it was weeks ago. Life is funny like that.
Today was the first day of finals and I just took my first one this morning. And I was really nervous, which surprised me. I mean, it's calculus, my best subject. I felt like I had studied for FOREVER. I think I did alright on the final. Not fantastic, but alright. The problems I had were not with the calculus but with the algebra. Nothing has changed since AP Calc. Both my professor now and Mr. Bailey have said that that's actually where most people go wrong, is on the algebra. It's crazy when you're trying to take the integral of the square root of one plus the derivative squared and you're not really sure that you can make a substition that going to help. I just set up the problems correctly, trying 15 different ways of doing the integration, give up, and turn the stupid thing in. But it's okay.
If not for the fact that I chugged a Monster during the calc final, I would go back to bed right now. I'm tired of being conscious. I realized something yesterday, thanks to Ben, and it hit me last night at about midnight, and now I really don't wasnt to think about it. I think I'll turn on my Christmas lights and turn off everything else and curl up in bed with Juju's letter and "Paradise Kiss." I can study for my next set of finals later.
It's odd. I'm trying to analyze how I feel. It always seems to help when you can pin one emotion on yourself. Then you can attempt to remedy that one thing. But what do you do when you're not even sure how you're feeling. The only way I know how to describe it is: "I need a hug." As wonderful as yesterday was, it feels like it was weeks ago. Life is funny like that.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
who needs a snooze button?
This morning I slept through calc. But it wasn't the I-slept-through-my-alarm-clock variety or even the I-turned-my-alarm-off-rolled-over-and-went-back-to-sleep variety. I got up plenty early, showered, got dressed somewhat less sloppily than usual, ate a half-decent breakfast, checked my email, got my books together, and walked to class. Once there, and only about a minute and a half late, I opened my notebook, dug my favorite pen out of my backpack, and got ready to take notes. The next thing I knew there were only five minutes left of class and the professor was talking about derivatives and polar coordinates. ...Yeah, I have no clue either.
College is fun.
College is fun.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
| You Should Date An Australian! |
 You're a down to earth, outdoorsy kind of girl And you need a guy who can keep up with your adventures A rugged Austrailian guy is just your style Better start learning how to surf! |
Thursday, October 18, 2007
one day since my birthday
PTAMPE:
Falling snow is gorgeous.
I'm going to the North Slope.
Denny's at 10 pm on my birthday.
"10th Kingdom".
Winter Youth Celebration starts tomorrow so I get to see my brother and the youth group!
Energy drinks.
Turkey sandwiches. LOTS of turkey sandwiches.
New music.
Lighted trails.
NTAMVPE:
homework
Falling snow is gorgeous.
I'm going to the North Slope.
Denny's at 10 pm on my birthday.
"10th Kingdom".
Winter Youth Celebration starts tomorrow so I get to see my brother and the youth group!
Energy drinks.
Turkey sandwiches. LOTS of turkey sandwiches.
New music.
Lighted trails.
NTAMVPE:
homework
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